Mujer

What makes me a woman?
Is it the way I walk
or speak softly a sexual lullaby?
It could be my dress
or the way my stockings tummy tuck my secrets.

What makes you want me?
My face?
My tits?
The perfectly placed lipstick that comes off if all goes well?


What will sustain you?
My fading beauty
or my growing heart?
My coy way
or my honest revelation?

What do you see when you look at me?

I sometimes feel that I am lacking
when I don't want to be seen through that gaze.
Am I incompetent?

Do I surrender my authenticity to please you,
playing on the desperate need to be loved
that pulsates at the core of my being?

How do I know when I have given it away already?

The sadness that lives within the heart of woman
of knowing that at times she is not loved for who she is
but
for how she meets the criteria of the illusion placed on her
is deep
and
gave birth to a movement of strong women fighting for their freedom.

Did we scare you?
Did we even succeed?

Who will love me now?

pendulum

When ambition hibernates and all that remains are deflated ideas,
One wonders if any pursuit is worth the trouble.
Either way I end up here, in the stillness of what is today.

But, as I settle into peace and all ceases to storm around me,
I can hear and see and feel more clearly.
There is a need for us to grow into the world.

Our creativity carries the message of our souls voices.
There is love and healing and hope that ripples from our work.
If we are courageous enough to walk the path there is a chance

to awaken

blossom

the rush of energy
that electrifies my being
graces me at moments of certainty

of who i am
where i stand
and where i am growing

like the glorious song
of my fullest potential
drawing me into fruition

presence

It's not enough
that when you're here
you're wonderful

It's more about
simply
when you're here

hypocrisy

do you see me
inside this made up face
behind my achievements
beyond my ambitions
can you feel my yearning
my asking you to like me
i want to be loved
to be recognized
but dont we all
as much as this world can give
is it not that simple desire that drives us
into careers
into beds
into lives that are not ours
only to discover that this hole cannot be filled
by any one
or any success
it is ours alone to satiate
but
hug me anyway
tell me im great
and pay me abundantly
:)

flux

the way i feel today
i may not feel tomorrow
this ebb and flow
is life
nothing fixed or certain
only change exists for sure
to surrender to this river
is absolute freedom
allowing what is there to surface
without judgment or fear
authenticity is all that remains consistent

selfish

i dont want to be looked at with an empty gaze
as if any carcass would do
i dont want to wear those ridiculous strings
that get lost up my ass
just for your enjoyment
you wear them
and let me imagine
someone far away
within your flesh
im here underneath it all
without me my body is fucked
and only fucked
with no sensation
or reason
or way to enjoy it

tease

the coming of spring
its smell
its rush
brings sexual energy
no longer a genderless being
i am a girl now
at the mercy of my urges
urges which remind me how imperfect i am
how difficult it would be for me
to bare it all for a momentary fling
my fantasies evoke desires
that reality easily extinguish
my mind has been poisoned
by the predisposition of sexy
what does that mean
i dont feel fat until spring
maybe its a blessing
this inability to give over to the iconography of sex
(it's the one thing i miss about getting inebriated)
forcing real connection
waiting for it
into the depths of celibacy
knowing that when it comes
so will i

sufficient

i have remained in the safety of my solitude for years now
convinced that i am happier this way
the bouts of loneliness tolerable and easily forgotten
so in tune with my physical urges
masturbation's rhythm coincides with natures cycle
i have learned much about myself
and how biologically driven our actions as human beings are
ovulation stimulates sex drive
i love myself
i am satisfied
at times i think it would be nice to share my life with someone
to be loved and supported
caressed and considered
that picture flees
the demand of the emotional work replaces it
attachment and loss
ideals, expectations and ultimately disappointment
my hope for romance has been spoiled
cynicism has taken over
i want to believe in the possibility
but the fear is strong
all that work to co exist with another
to build a life with another
to compromise
seems exhausting
and not always rewarding
whats the point?
to lie next to a warm body
housing a soul you will never truly fully know
but yearn for absolutely
commit to the inevitability of change
praying to grow together
otherwise cut your losses
im so afraid to take that ride again
i am content with my solitude and self induced physical release
until, i guess, i get lonely enough

virtual contact

i go round and round
searching for contact
from one site to the next
as if minutes make a difference
maybe someone reached out now
maybe now
maybe now
INSANE
i observe myself from behind the impulsion
compulsion i cannot satisfy
how desperate we humans can be
at times of discomfort within oneself
why do i look to you to ease the emptiness
you encompassing everyone
anyone
someone please
CONTACT
so that i am not alone
here in this empty house
at the computer
unreal
ABSURD
im amused at this spectacle