thirst

there's something so beautiful about a day like today......gray, dim, sheltered from the light of the sun.....a fertile ground for nostalgia.
the cool breeze carrying memories of childhood....of my history.
the rain washing it all away...cleansing me of the weight of the past...refreshed i find myself here.
all things come and go....pass through my life as i pass through this world....
it's funny how i long for something to stay..anything to stay...secure me...contradict the flow of nature herself.
this human desire for attachment....so desperate...lonesome.
if not filled will fuel my hunger for life, for expansion....creativity.
endure the emptiness that allows for the expression of life...
love is nice but fleeting, leaving behind a permanent scar of it's moment....
the beauty in moving through it all...the bittersweet beauty of letting go.....
wash over me....rain, tears....cleanse me...ready me for the possibilities ahead....
an insatiable hunger....
i am alive

rest stops

i am on the leading edge.....i can see the open sky before me...vast and welcoming for my expansion.
i am grateful today for those people in my life sharing this journey....the courageous souls willing to look at themselves in truth...willing to go through it...open and vulnerable.
i have so much love for you...an understanding...resonating within me of just how difficult this way can be at times.
the truth is not always the easiest path to take but it is the only one on which to grow....
i feel blessed to be where i am today....i have found a family in the world.....kindred spirits, without whom, i would not survive.....we carry each other...... practically, emotionally and spiritually.....
moving beyond the shame of weakness, we find strength......if we are willing to admit the need for each other.....we all want to be loved...to be useful....to be accepted, cared for, respected, appreciated......we can give this to one another if we set aside our pride and ego driven expectations...
the quest for perfection leaves us alone and isolated.....none of us are perfect...it is our flaws, our scars that make us beautiful, interesting beings....let us learn from each others experiences ....we are all going through it.....
today i gave out gold stars.....a movement started by a friend, a kindred spirit if i may......i felt how powerful this gesture is.....this gift of validation...
a moment, as a friend from long ago stated, "when two lost souls collide".....strangers bound by their humanity, sharing a common experience..... life....
in a moment of recognition, they are not alone....
there is comfort all around if we allow ourselves to open to it.....

necessary discomfort

going through it once again.....the internal fire that yearns to be fed.....please put me out with whatever you can find, it screams....a drink, a drug, food, love, fantasy, sex, anything....just fill me up so i don't have to feel this opening.....tingling with desperate longing....for what?, is the question.....nothing seems to satisfy.....

the endless search for the answer to this question, what is this hole?.....surfaces in cycles, bringing intensity....i am restless....uncomfortable...

it is now that i feel closest to my core....closest to the deep thick flow of my emotional river....

i want to know what this feeling is....i want to know the source....is it my loneliness, my longing for connection? if so, where do i find it...in another? i wonder if that brings what it promises.....

do i find it in myself...look for the solution to loneliness in solitude?.....i fear i'd weave myself into a cocoon of isolation, further away from potential contact...down the spiral staircase of despair.....

do i reach to the external bodily pleasures that provide momentary relief?.....fantasy that comforts, sex that releases, hope for love that fails to deliver.......the moment of pleasure only serves to deepen the hole....giving but a taste of what i cannot attain.....making my appetite insatiable....

i have been told to pray.....to god, to the universe, to life.....to the source of energy that governs this world......a source that i can plug into when i choose....with prayer and meditation i can find a sense of connectedness......so why do i resist this?

there is an aspect of the suffering that i am drawn to....that i am reluctant to surrender.....this sense of closeness to my emotional core is comforting....i feel close to my past and all i have come through.....

i want to cry....to bleed out all the toxic emotion.....stay in this space until it erupts.....keep the channel clear of any block (drink, drug, food, sex, love, fantasy......).....sweat it out and allow it to move through......

i have been here many times before.....each passing a bit less gripping because of the experience before......i know it will pass....leaving behind another spurt of growth