going through it once again.....the internal fire that yearns to be fed.....please put me out with whatever you can find, it screams....a drink, a drug, food, love, fantasy, sex, anything....just fill me up so i don't have to feel this opening.....tingling with desperate longing....for what?, is the question.....nothing seems to satisfy.....
the endless search for the answer to this question, what is this hole?.....surfaces in cycles, bringing intensity....i am restless....uncomfortable...
it is now that i feel closest to my core....closest to the deep thick flow of my emotional river....
i want to know what this feeling is....i want to know the source....is it my loneliness, my longing for connection? if so, where do i find it...in another? i wonder if that brings what it promises.....
do i find it in myself...look for the solution to loneliness in solitude?.....i fear i'd weave myself into a cocoon of isolation, further away from potential contact...down the spiral staircase of despair.....
do i reach to the external bodily pleasures that provide momentary relief?.....fantasy that comforts, sex that releases, hope for love that fails to deliver.......the moment of pleasure only serves to deepen the hole....giving but a taste of what i cannot attain.....making my appetite insatiable....
i have been told to pray.....to god, to the universe, to life.....to the source of energy that governs this world......a source that i can plug into when i choose....with prayer and meditation i can find a sense of connectedness......so why do i resist this?
there is an aspect of the suffering that i am drawn to....that i am reluctant to surrender.....this sense of closeness to my emotional core is comforting....i feel close to my past and all i have come through.....
i want to cry....to bleed out all the toxic emotion.....stay in this space until it erupts.....keep the channel clear of any block (drink, drug, food, sex, love, fantasy......).....sweat it out and allow it to move through......
i have been here many times before.....each passing a bit less gripping because of the experience before......i know it will pass....leaving behind another spurt of growth
No comments:
Post a Comment