stepping stone

its been a long ass day.....i'm curious to see what emerges as i allow myself to purge.
i am tired but feel strong...accomplished almost, to have gotten through....i am looking forward to California....my boy's first time.....i absolutely love exposing him to new places....
today it occurred to me that years ago when he was just born, i vowed to myself that i would blow the world wide open for him.....give him a perspective with no limits....
i am living out this desire....for that i am so grateful.....i have enabled him to travel...to explore parts of the world with me....together for the first time.
i have shown him freedom and abundance....in my subtle ways i have introduced him to the laws of this amazing universe.....energetically he experiences the richness this world has to offer....i am overjoyed to know that my spiritual growth and expansion affects his....that i may serve as his stepping stone for evolution.....

just for tonight

i come here to confide my deepest feelings...an action required to cleanse myself of emotion....share what i feel
it had never dawned on me until tonight how there is a degree of loneliness in coming here to write....this conversation i would like to have with a lover....receive comfort and understanding.
instead i put it all here...into the world i send my cry....as i sit alone in my home, my only contact this keyboard.
sometimes it is just right...just what i need and frankly all i desire.
tonight it seems lacking....
i've had such an emotion filled day...lots of attention and love....i took it all in....absorbed the good feelings and celebrated myself....
as the evening came to a close i began to feel lonely.... as much love as there was around me....i had no one to settle into, to talk to you and seek comfort in.....there were things i was feeling that i wanted to tell someone....i wanted to fall into another and reveal my brokenness...my disappointments about the day...my insecurities....but there was no one...
so i came here....
it's sad...i am sad....
this computer can't hold me...
it can only take what i give but cannot return what i need....
i want to be loved...i want to be heard and listened to and cared about....i want to be comforted....
i want to have this honesty, this intimacy with another human being....
i never thought i would need another...i never wanted to admit this weakness....or perceived weakness....
i love myself and i will wake in the morning and continue walking forward....
this will pass and my independence will empower me once again....
but for tonight i am feeling lonely....tonight it would be nice to cuddle.....

reflection

Life carries on...ever moving, changing, expanding.
I believe nothing is fixed or certain or really ever truly belongs to us. That scares me sometimes.
Things have come and gone...people I have loved I have lost, both to life and to death. My heart aches sometimes....but always returns to love. I have learned to let go and accept what is....this has brought me peace.
I've witnessed life at it's beginning and never before have I felt love with such depth.... I am responsible for guiding this little human....ironically he has already taught me more than I could ever him.
My experiences have given me a deep appreciation for life...I love being human.
I want to express myself to the world...my view of this crazy life...with all its beauty and love and humor and excitement and disappointment and sadness....it's all so sensational.
I chose to abandon safety for freedom of spirit.... attempting to let go of fear and surrender to the flow of life...working to stay present and in the moment.
Sometimes I don't know what's going on, how I got here or where I'm going....but I trust that my life is unfolding exactly as it should.....that I am right where I need to be.
I am here.

purpose

It's been a while since I've come here.....i've been a bit lost within the unstructured spontaneity of the summer.I feel like a gas that has been released into the atmosphere....no form to fill...just free floating into the nothing. On one hand, I am enjoying the freedom and on the other I am missing the feeling of productivity that routine and structure bring.
My emotions have been all over the place....it feels as if the continents within me are shifting...taking on a profoundly new placement....the pangs of growth.
At times like these I cling desperately to the principles of faith and trust....holding tight to the tiny branch being thrust about by a forceful storm.....
this too shall pass and reveal an open clearing into which I can continue to expand.....

I often wonder why i write the way i do....resistant to the structure of the english language....no periods to end my sentence...no real defined sentence even....open ended....each flowing into the next...my words reflect my thoughts...intertwined and relative to the next.
like a poet....using language to navigate through the mystical realm.....
form scares me....
smothers....
alters the life of the words in some way....
it could just be me....

it seems i have a problem staying grounded....pinned to the earth....left to my own devices i would just stay a formless gas.....
the effort to focus this expression into some structure means bringing it into this world....it is necessary in the process of creativity...making it real....giving it life....something tangible that can carry the message of your unique voice....
god, it's hard.....
the vocation of true self realization.....