rant

the eve of thanksgiving....triggers memories of my childhood...lost....frozen in the time of my mind....my dad...gone....the wound endless.....deep within me.....bringing feelings of aloneness....like i am connected to no one...everyone one day shall be lost from me....these feelings of sadness.....all stem from my fathers death......it wouldn't be so intense if i hadn't loved him so...it' s all intertwined....my childhood....my dad...my son....my love lost.....all of it...lives at the core of me...all somehow comes back to this sense of loss....moves over me like a wave...bringing intensity so deep i feel one with the core of the earth herself.....molten.....then the wave passes...leaves me back on the shore of my life where all is accepted...i can feel a knowing that all is ok....that nothing really is ever lost.....that love lives eternally.....spirit...life is endless....i am one with this ever moving, ever changing force.....move with it and one day i too shall move out with it......i know all this...in every cell of my being, i know.....but i am human sometimes...bound to the feelings of this body...bound to the wants, the needs, the attachments and the pain they leave behind.......it is the hardest thing for me to experience true loneliness.....sitting stripped of everything, with myself, in all my raw feeling.....everything i have taken in, experienced...it all lives in me.....cored me out so that sometimes in the stillness i can feel a sense of profound emptiness.....it does not exist in the moment....but it does exist in me....i understand the desire to get out of oneself....i understand not being able or willing to sit in these feelings of accumulated hurt....lonliness...emptiness...loss....i understand....but it is when i sit here and feel my way through that i find what's on the other side....love....strength.....acceptance.....power...growth...progression....wisdom.....

today i'm mourning the lost......i can close my eyes and be once again in my childhood kitchen watching my dad cook....or hanging out on the couch with him watching the muppet's....just made popcorn and melted two sticks of butter on it.....my mom sweeping.....i felt safe...i felt at home....that time has passed...and not so peacefully...that time crumpled away before my eyes... deteriorated.....unraveled to reveal chaos....uglinesss....hatred...anger...it all just came undone with such intense velocity and confusion...i lost my home...i lost my safety...i lost my self......it has been quite a journey back i must say...i know not how i have found my way....but i have returned..i have made a home...my home..my son's home...our home....i am building a life...from the ashes of the old....i found peace....safety....love....i am full of gratitude to even have access to these memories...to be able to remember my history...to make some sense of where i have traveled...it makes me stronger to have that timeline...that reference of my life.

most of the time i'm ok and accept that my dad has left...but thanksgiving reminds me so much of him...it just triggers all these feelings.....

i love you dad....i know that you are with me.....sometimes i wish you could be here for james....for me...now that i am a woman and have such a better understanding of life...i missed out on having an adult relationship with you.....i miss you

i am here....where i am....alive...and full of love and joy...i have a full life....i wouldn't change a thing....i am grateful for all the abundance in my life...grateful for the ability to recognize abundance and appreciate life in it's simplicity......it has all brought me here.....exhale....this is life

i am

it's been a while since i've come here to write... sometimes i get swept away...... i guess the challenge comes in staying grounded and connected while flowing free with life. today i have no specific topic or burning desire i long to share....i just am. i feel my life expanding....

i have prayed for divine guidance, for divine inspiration.....i have prayed to emerge from my cacoon of healing, of fear.... and to grow in the light... to use my talents... to create.... fearless self expression....i am emerging......i love it....i embrace who i am... what a new concept..... extraordinary!  

how have i come to this? i have been led here.... do with me as you will, so that i may be an instrument of love and healing in this world..... this is my prayer....i know in my heart that i am taken care of..... providence has brought me abundance..... life itself is abundant....i appreciate.....i accept....i allow.....i surrender......i am

i will not let fear take hold and deflate me.....i shall fly on faith.... on an unwavering belief that i am being carried.... trust....

i am joyous today for all that is my life...... such gratitude for the details.... where the real richness lives.....

this realm, mysterious to me some time back.... only catching glimpses through slightly open windows...... enough only to know that there was a possibility of existence......

but now..... now i know in the very depth of my soul that this realm of spirit, of mysticism, of god, of magic, of energy...... it is real.... realer than anything we can declare.... than any illusion we can manifest in this physical realm. i have discovered a way to live in harmony with this energy of life.....i am becoming whole

prisoner

to see the disease of alcoholism/addiction in action.....god it tears my heart open. the enslavement, the hopelessness.....i am full of rage that this beast comes in and takes the life of those who host it.

such fearful desperation.....caught in a loop...trapped by the overwhelming urges that lead. i am grateful to be free today.....now with the awareness to identify it all around me....it is rampant...so much suffering because of dependencies. it kills me....

how i wish i could help liberate those who have been claimed....may they find the grace they need to move into action and save their lives.

i don't understand why this is such a shameful disease to speak of....why must it be protected, hushed, whispered? the light of truth, of awareness is the very medicine that can free people of this....secrecy supports the nature of this disease.

i had a conversation with a man last night.....young, handsome......hopeless. he told me he wants to die...he told me he knows his drinking is carrying him to death but he thinks its best......such distortion.....the deluded thinking that accompanies alcoholism/addiction....it's a perfect setup. i looked into his eyes and saw so much desperation, so much suffering....i saw my father....and my heart broke.

drowning....crying....wanting so much to be pulled from the fire....burning slowly before my eyes.....all the while the helpless stand and watch....paralyzed

i hate this beast.....this beast that takes so many.....

the very thing that they run to with hopes of easing their pain is the very thing that puts a wedge between them and life, creating more pain....like a plant with no sunlight....they slowly wither and die...a slow spiritual death....suffering...agony....my god

life is worth living...in freedom there is so much love, so much joy....

i pray for their liberation.....may they want to live...may they have a moment of grace to see past the self created delusion of hopelessness and despair.....this is my prayer for all those who suffer with this disease.