rant

the eve of thanksgiving....triggers memories of my childhood...lost....frozen in the time of my mind....my dad...gone....the wound endless.....deep within me.....bringing feelings of aloneness....like i am connected to no one...everyone one day shall be lost from me....these feelings of sadness.....all stem from my fathers death......it wouldn't be so intense if i hadn't loved him so...it' s all intertwined....my childhood....my dad...my son....my love lost.....all of it...lives at the core of me...all somehow comes back to this sense of loss....moves over me like a wave...bringing intensity so deep i feel one with the core of the earth herself.....molten.....then the wave passes...leaves me back on the shore of my life where all is accepted...i can feel a knowing that all is ok....that nothing really is ever lost.....that love lives eternally.....spirit...life is endless....i am one with this ever moving, ever changing force.....move with it and one day i too shall move out with it......i know all this...in every cell of my being, i know.....but i am human sometimes...bound to the feelings of this body...bound to the wants, the needs, the attachments and the pain they leave behind.......it is the hardest thing for me to experience true loneliness.....sitting stripped of everything, with myself, in all my raw feeling.....everything i have taken in, experienced...it all lives in me.....cored me out so that sometimes in the stillness i can feel a sense of profound emptiness.....it does not exist in the moment....but it does exist in me....i understand the desire to get out of oneself....i understand not being able or willing to sit in these feelings of accumulated hurt....lonliness...emptiness...loss....i understand....but it is when i sit here and feel my way through that i find what's on the other side....love....strength.....acceptance.....power...growth...progression....wisdom.....

today i'm mourning the lost......i can close my eyes and be once again in my childhood kitchen watching my dad cook....or hanging out on the couch with him watching the muppet's....just made popcorn and melted two sticks of butter on it.....my mom sweeping.....i felt safe...i felt at home....that time has passed...and not so peacefully...that time crumpled away before my eyes... deteriorated.....unraveled to reveal chaos....uglinesss....hatred...anger...it all just came undone with such intense velocity and confusion...i lost my home...i lost my safety...i lost my self......it has been quite a journey back i must say...i know not how i have found my way....but i have returned..i have made a home...my home..my son's home...our home....i am building a life...from the ashes of the old....i found peace....safety....love....i am full of gratitude to even have access to these memories...to be able to remember my history...to make some sense of where i have traveled...it makes me stronger to have that timeline...that reference of my life.

most of the time i'm ok and accept that my dad has left...but thanksgiving reminds me so much of him...it just triggers all these feelings.....

i love you dad....i know that you are with me.....sometimes i wish you could be here for james....for me...now that i am a woman and have such a better understanding of life...i missed out on having an adult relationship with you.....i miss you

i am here....where i am....alive...and full of love and joy...i have a full life....i wouldn't change a thing....i am grateful for all the abundance in my life...grateful for the ability to recognize abundance and appreciate life in it's simplicity......it has all brought me here.....exhale....this is life