no looking back

stuck somewhere in the middle of my old life and the one i am growing into......sometimes it's difficult to see the one in front of me and all i feel is a sense of loss and displacement.....
when i visit my old neighborhood and my old friends, it feels so familiar and comfortable....makes me wonder if i want to be where i am....if my pulling away from that life was really worth it.....
i can see them, most in the same place as when i left, going through the same cycles, same bars, same drama.....what seems appealing is that they have each other....the grand illusion of security...
there is a part of me that wants to abandon all i have built and run back into the arms of the past, into the security of the unconscious group.....find "love", family and tradition in the ways i've always known it....a disconnected, addicted, avoided way of living that, crazy as it may sound, seems to promise some sort of comfort.......

it's amazing how delusional i can become at the prospect of fulfilling my loneliness.....

i have enough sense to know that i would fall into the same dark hole i climbed out of......that the illusion of security that life presents is just that.....an illusion.

today i am aware of who i am and i stand in a clearing where possibility is endless.....i wouldn't trade that for the world....

keep walking.........

on this road i have an opportunity for true fulfillment........

i am grateful to be where i am.....

shedding

sometimes i miss what is left behind me.....some losses bigger and more weighing on my heart than others....i understand why it is more appealing to live in the past - you don't have to let go...you can keep all your ghosts with you.....avoid going through the pain of acknowledging what is no longer there....insidious it may be but effective none-the-less.

what courage it takes to live in the now....willing to look at what is....willing to allow the sometimes painful changes to occur....sometimes i am inclined to turn away...to look to the next distraction to take my attention....sometimes i don't want to see

an unwillingness to look is an unwillingness to change....

sure it's comforting to remain connected to all that once secured you, but the insulation of that delusion is only an illusion....bound to fall from your sight.....truth shall always be revealed

at times i feel like retreating to what is familiar.....reclaiming what has been lost.....

but i know today that i must endure this process.... this cleansing.....this mourning

keep walking forward.......

some things still live in the crevices of my heart and surface periodically to remind me of a time lost.....

i can honor these places today and grieve them accordingly........

veritas

I remember back to the start of my conscious spiritual journey….there was a constant restlessness within me…a longing for something that I felt had strayed far beyond my reach…..i was living in the confines of an inauthentic life…going through the motions of daily living….hoping that the day ahead would not play out as the one before had…..always shutting my eyes at it’s close disappointed…..round and round I went….lost…seeking escape …..turning away from reality…the reality of my inner life….what I felt…..what I needed….who I am….i began not to even recognize what that was anymore….my spirit was dying……

I was inspired to flee….to uproot…start anew…shake off the accumulated hardened shell of a human being I had become…..a body devoid of spirit marching to an unconscious tune into the abyss…..i sometimes wonder how I awoke…..graced with awareness that would reveal in glimpses just where I was headed if I continued on this path….

i had no idea where I was going but I walked anyway….fueled by the longing for a clearing, I walked into the dark forest…the unknown….with faith as my only companion I began to trust the signals the universe would give…the subtle indications that I was walking in the right direction….with each step I took another layer fell…more revealed itself from the inside…an integration of body and spirit…..a disintegration of the mask…..my faith grew…my absolute trusting in the unseen forces that govern our lives….the energetic web of the universe and my eternal connection to it…..

I came to life…..my heart, once heavy with sorrow, began to open…breath moved through my body with vigor…..i was alive…I wrestled away from the bondage of self….from the identification I had come to embrace…..i was free…

and as I stand where I am and look back, I can see how my desire for truth was the fire that moved me to action……..

lemonade

it's amazing to see how certain behaviors kick in in response to the fear triggered by change.....creative blocks to disable the flow of life energy.....
sustaining universal connection takes vigilance.....
when i feel i've got it, when i'm in a groove of constant flow, it becomes easy to forget that there is a fine line between riding the abundant wave of the universe and my own egoic grandiousity.....without vigilance and practice i find that i have somehow ended up leading with ego.....it is times like this that i must remember the basic principles that have led me thus far.....humility....surrender....acceptance...
letting go of my own will for myself and allowing life to work through me on it's terms.....
this can be a difficult concept to accept.....especially when life's terms are not the most convienient for what i want.....this is when my faith is tested most.....
i trust that as these shifts occur and shake me down to simplicity, i have the opportunity to listen for divine guidance....it is during transitions like this that i can gain clarity and direction....
i trust what happens in my life is necessary for my creative and spiritual growth....i accept it even if i don't necessarily like it......