action

"all men are great in their dreams, reality narrows down the competition".....i love this quote....i wrote it down many years ago and it still has powerful meaning to me. i struggle with this idea tremendously....i am full of intention...full of inspiration, willingness, passion, desire.....but the ability to take it all into action...that's the challenge. today i had a clear realization that this issue is one major block for me in terms of achieving freedom.

i intellectually know what is needed to get where i want to be and yet it only lives in the confines of my mind...it has no real anchored place in my life..in reality. for instance, i want a peaceful, ordered home....there is a small pile of shit in my room that needs to find a home....this area of disorder has been there for a while...it only requires a commitment of maybe 1 hour and i just cannot bring myself to it...there is this incredible space, block, resistance to taking the action. why?

i have many powerful ideas and visions for my creative expression....i have been working...correction, i have begun writing the screenplay that has been living in me for a long time....i have begun but have not remained connected to it to really make significant progress....i come, give a little, and go....i do not enable or allow constant flow of expression because i pull away at the first visit of resistance...i give in too quickly to discouragement....and yet there is nothing i want more than to express my creative visions and bring them to the world. this is my deepest desire...the fire that lives at the core of who i am.....it's baffling....this struggle.

in another area, i have felt a bit unhealthy in terms of my weight and activity level....i truly want to be lighter, to feel free, sexy....i know that a commitment to exercise is the key to begin the movement toward a lighter, healthier body....but each day i avoid the action of exercise, each day i gravitate more toward the behavior that buries me deeper in captivity.....why?

a prisoner of my own tactic for protection....that is what i have identified. this resistance to action is a form of protection....i am afraid to reveal myself....afraid to bring all of me to the light.....i come and get frightened away. even the case of achieving order in my home....this foreign concept leaves me feeling detached from my past, the contentment and safety that comes along with being surrounded by disorder.....it is so familiar to me....to leave it behind would be a form of abandonment of some deep self.....a self that i want to bring into the light of life and enable to grow....i am afraid. just as i'm afraid to shed the weight that protects me from my sexual freedom....just as i am afraid to venture into the greatness of creative expression....fear of succeeding....fear of growing away from the old and into the new.....afraid to completely move out of the past....who will i be...what will i have...what will happen to my sense of self if i leave behind all that i have identified with for all my life...i'm afraid it won't be real.....emotional pain, chaos, complacency....that's what has been real for most my life....


and yet i know at the deepest part of me that this is the next right action...this is where i must go in order to grow into the world with all that i am intended to bring....i must step out in faith and leave the fear.....walk away from the past....not just intellectually but emotionally...from the past that manifests inside me as a deep rooted sense of self....i am the freedom that wants to erupt from beneath the layers....i am the life that wants to come through the creativity....break though the pile of papers waiting for my attention...the lists of to do's, the unmade bed, the unpainted wall.....the life awaiting a clearing of inner and outer space to move through....

i know that action holds the key to freedom....it is only through deliberate sometimes forceful action that any progress be made. i must do it, one small task at a time...but do it...bring myself to action....it is difficult for reasons i have yet to comprehend but it is the factor that will determine spiritual life or death for me....action.