mi casa

i'm standing here in my kitchen over a sink full of dishes......my son is in the bath enjoying his imaginary world of aquatic adventures....something just dawned on me.....i love being home!
i can't remember i time since about the age of 4 that i loved being home....i feel like for most of my life i have been so unsettled and uncomfortable that i could not sit long enough in my own body to enjoy the comforts of a home....
i ran from the insanity....seeking refuge from the chaos of my family in romance and refuge from the chaos of romance in myself .... i have finally settled.....
it feels wonderful to be where i am right now...i feel safe.....at ease...at peace...
what a tremendous gift i have given myself and extended to my son....i am so grateful
i can think of no greater pleasure for me these days than to relish in the comfort of our home.....warm brownies....maybe a movie or a book.... a conversation or a boisterous game for us to play.....maybe alone time...... some space for ourselves....
whatever the pleasure, we are safe, secure, loved, at peace and free to be who we are......i am finally home.....

wake up

my god, so consumed by distraction and material gain.....your clothes don't make your character baby....it seems as though you've lost sight of what's important in life....or have you ever really known?
the lack of emotional awareness for the children.....the chaos....the foul mouthed disregard for innocence.....what example do you lead with?
the inability to remain at peace within yourself...loosing your shit at the drop of a dime.....spilling over your toxic dissatisfaction with your own life unto the kids.....man get your shit together...it's not there fault you don't know who you are....that you chase some delusion you think might bring you fulfillment only to be left empty and wanting once again....
what kind of life are you building...of what use to mankind are you?
maybe i'm the oddball to feel that my life should be productive...that i should be making a contribution to this world.....
as i witness, most of those around me are content with going through their self centered days....being fed what to wear....what to say...who to be.....then maybe just maybe you'll be in the game....the game that leads to? what do you win if you give your life to play? what is at stake?....fundamental questions if you ask me....
it's difficult to be around you.....you make my world spin out of control....speed increases as anxiety swirls round.....your lack of grounding and your inner turmoil can be felt...it's disturbing....
why do you fall victim to the deceptions of this world....why can't you see that you are walking further and further into entanglement......further and further away from yourself...you are giving your life away for illusions that will never make you feel whole or worthy or confident or lovable or sane or beautiful or competent or fulfilled.....
i'm so pissed off that people can be hypnotized by this shit.....
there are some truths that one cannot escape from.....that live under all the layers of shit one might accumulate in their attempts to avoid such an encounter.....the truth that rises when the stillness of death arrives.....the profound truth of one's life.....
live while you're alive.....it's an inside job.....be still and face yourself....

father

i can see you so clearly as you are.....where you're headed...en caged in your cocoon of delusion....illusion you cling to....desperate for some sense of self worth....seeking all security outside of yourself.....the bottle, the pack, the shoes, the jacket, the bike, the title, the glory, the martyrdom, the reputation, the persona......who are you really? ....what do you run from?.....

don't you think at some point the emptiness will begin to erode you from the inside?..... you'll find the years have passed through your hands like sand......that you have remained frozen in that one block of time.....repeating the day......living dead.....

those that love you watch helplessly.....yearning to reach you on your island of despair and self seeking fear.....their hearts break....mourning the loss of you..... all the while you are before their very eyes.....

your son's heart aches for your contact...and he waits on the outskirts of your self involved life watching the days go by.....never truly getting what he longs for most.....

wake the fuck up.....these days will never return....they are but once in this life's experience.....step away from your self interest and see that you are needed in the life of another.....fundamental, instrumental.....you have the ability to make or mend the hole....you have the power to give this gift of love......make your choice

i don't want to watch you get carried away by this current.....i pray he doesn't have to........

push thru

i have come up against an imbedded fear.....i am afraid that i will be alone/outcast/disliked if i continue to move forward in self realization and allow my greatness to emerge fully.....

there are people who are not firmly grounded in themselves and so react with jealousy to other's progress.....i will not allow their negativity to hinder my spiritual growth and freedom....

i have the right to be full.....i have a right to my talents.....to my beauty....to my ambition.....i have the right to own my power and allow my life to unfold in abundance.....

i will not let other's energy impede on my expansion.......it saddens me that some harbor negative feelings toward me for my achievements and capabilities.....

this could all, very well be, a projection of the fears i have within me.....maybe it is just my imagination....maybe i have heard my mother speak with disgust of "those that have" too many times.....maybe it is her voice i hear now in the assumed judgments of others.....maybe this is all living inside of me.....

in any case the time has come for me to face these fears and to continue to progress through them despite the paralysis they inspire......my life has not been given so that i can win the praise and admiration of those around me....it is mine to cultivate to the fullest potential....manifest my creative talents.....embrace freedom........

those who envy freedom are those who are too afraid to seek it.....i want to be surrounded by the seekers....