transition

it is the eve before the new year....a day for letting go of the old....cleansing of the spirit....for me anyway, i have decided to make this day a ritual almost for clearing away and making room for new life...creativity, growth, love, abundance......it is a field of open possibilities. i am excited to be standing where i am today....looking ahead in to this open space full of potential...i know that i will grow and progress into this year...continuing to build upon the foundation i have been laying for the past couple of years....all is in place...there isn't one thing i would hope to change or wish for more of any ting...today i am full....i am right where i need to be...i can feel that....it's amazing.

i have experienced tremendous growth.....profound transformation. i am confident with all of my being that i am progressing...that my life will continue to expand.....my dreams shall manifest.....i have found a new pace....a steady patient understanding and accepting of progress....time, growth.....one step at a time.....one foot in front of the other. one of the hardest anxieties to let go of has been the "i can make this happen NOW" one....."i am grand enough to have that power".... who would have thought that only through humility and surrender can greatness be achieved.....and then it becomes serving god and not a personal claim.......i have been blessed to have been given these principles to live by......

i must admit that there is not much that i would have changed about this past year....it has been a great year for me on my path.....i am excited to welcome a new year....my soil is ready.....some growth has occurred....the flowers will soon follow....

pax

i feel so affected by this season.....it's complex...the cold weather makes me want to hide inside, create a cozy ambiance and just remain tucked away from the every day....comfort is what a desire....i feel lazy....at the same time i am reminded of all the actions one must take to ensure comfort.....life does go on...and that could be intimating at times....i want to resist the pull of reality.....i want to stay in the womb......catering to my senses....relaxing....the smell of pine...the glow of a candle....a tired body on a cozy couch wrapped in a favorite blanket intertwined with another warm body.....just breathing....realaxing slowly into bliss...utter submersion.....

i hope to differentiate between indulging in comfort and being lazy...sometimes the line gets blurred....if i stay too long it becomes the other......

tonight i want to enjoy.....enjoy my home....enjoy the company of my son.....enjoy the yummy soup i've made.....i want to just be and allow the night to unfold with no expectations or stress....just float....no engaging in thoughts of tomorrow...the tasks that call me...that wait for me....not tonight....tonight i choose bliss....

rant

the eve of thanksgiving....triggers memories of my childhood...lost....frozen in the time of my mind....my dad...gone....the wound endless.....deep within me.....bringing feelings of aloneness....like i am connected to no one...everyone one day shall be lost from me....these feelings of sadness.....all stem from my fathers death......it wouldn't be so intense if i hadn't loved him so...it' s all intertwined....my childhood....my dad...my son....my love lost.....all of it...lives at the core of me...all somehow comes back to this sense of loss....moves over me like a wave...bringing intensity so deep i feel one with the core of the earth herself.....molten.....then the wave passes...leaves me back on the shore of my life where all is accepted...i can feel a knowing that all is ok....that nothing really is ever lost.....that love lives eternally.....spirit...life is endless....i am one with this ever moving, ever changing force.....move with it and one day i too shall move out with it......i know all this...in every cell of my being, i know.....but i am human sometimes...bound to the feelings of this body...bound to the wants, the needs, the attachments and the pain they leave behind.......it is the hardest thing for me to experience true loneliness.....sitting stripped of everything, with myself, in all my raw feeling.....everything i have taken in, experienced...it all lives in me.....cored me out so that sometimes in the stillness i can feel a sense of profound emptiness.....it does not exist in the moment....but it does exist in me....i understand the desire to get out of oneself....i understand not being able or willing to sit in these feelings of accumulated hurt....lonliness...emptiness...loss....i understand....but it is when i sit here and feel my way through that i find what's on the other side....love....strength.....acceptance.....power...growth...progression....wisdom.....

today i'm mourning the lost......i can close my eyes and be once again in my childhood kitchen watching my dad cook....or hanging out on the couch with him watching the muppet's....just made popcorn and melted two sticks of butter on it.....my mom sweeping.....i felt safe...i felt at home....that time has passed...and not so peacefully...that time crumpled away before my eyes... deteriorated.....unraveled to reveal chaos....uglinesss....hatred...anger...it all just came undone with such intense velocity and confusion...i lost my home...i lost my safety...i lost my self......it has been quite a journey back i must say...i know not how i have found my way....but i have returned..i have made a home...my home..my son's home...our home....i am building a life...from the ashes of the old....i found peace....safety....love....i am full of gratitude to even have access to these memories...to be able to remember my history...to make some sense of where i have traveled...it makes me stronger to have that timeline...that reference of my life.

most of the time i'm ok and accept that my dad has left...but thanksgiving reminds me so much of him...it just triggers all these feelings.....

i love you dad....i know that you are with me.....sometimes i wish you could be here for james....for me...now that i am a woman and have such a better understanding of life...i missed out on having an adult relationship with you.....i miss you

i am here....where i am....alive...and full of love and joy...i have a full life....i wouldn't change a thing....i am grateful for all the abundance in my life...grateful for the ability to recognize abundance and appreciate life in it's simplicity......it has all brought me here.....exhale....this is life

i am

it's been a while since i've come here to write... sometimes i get swept away...... i guess the challenge comes in staying grounded and connected while flowing free with life. today i have no specific topic or burning desire i long to share....i just am. i feel my life expanding....

i have prayed for divine guidance, for divine inspiration.....i have prayed to emerge from my cacoon of healing, of fear.... and to grow in the light... to use my talents... to create.... fearless self expression....i am emerging......i love it....i embrace who i am... what a new concept..... extraordinary!  

how have i come to this? i have been led here.... do with me as you will, so that i may be an instrument of love and healing in this world..... this is my prayer....i know in my heart that i am taken care of..... providence has brought me abundance..... life itself is abundant....i appreciate.....i accept....i allow.....i surrender......i am

i will not let fear take hold and deflate me.....i shall fly on faith.... on an unwavering belief that i am being carried.... trust....

i am joyous today for all that is my life...... such gratitude for the details.... where the real richness lives.....

this realm, mysterious to me some time back.... only catching glimpses through slightly open windows...... enough only to know that there was a possibility of existence......

but now..... now i know in the very depth of my soul that this realm of spirit, of mysticism, of god, of magic, of energy...... it is real.... realer than anything we can declare.... than any illusion we can manifest in this physical realm. i have discovered a way to live in harmony with this energy of life.....i am becoming whole

prisoner

to see the disease of alcoholism/addiction in action.....god it tears my heart open. the enslavement, the hopelessness.....i am full of rage that this beast comes in and takes the life of those who host it.

such fearful desperation.....caught in a loop...trapped by the overwhelming urges that lead. i am grateful to be free today.....now with the awareness to identify it all around me....it is rampant...so much suffering because of dependencies. it kills me....

how i wish i could help liberate those who have been claimed....may they find the grace they need to move into action and save their lives.

i don't understand why this is such a shameful disease to speak of....why must it be protected, hushed, whispered? the light of truth, of awareness is the very medicine that can free people of this....secrecy supports the nature of this disease.

i had a conversation with a man last night.....young, handsome......hopeless. he told me he wants to die...he told me he knows his drinking is carrying him to death but he thinks its best......such distortion.....the deluded thinking that accompanies alcoholism/addiction....it's a perfect setup. i looked into his eyes and saw so much desperation, so much suffering....i saw my father....and my heart broke.

drowning....crying....wanting so much to be pulled from the fire....burning slowly before my eyes.....all the while the helpless stand and watch....paralyzed

i hate this beast.....this beast that takes so many.....

the very thing that they run to with hopes of easing their pain is the very thing that puts a wedge between them and life, creating more pain....like a plant with no sunlight....they slowly wither and die...a slow spiritual death....suffering...agony....my god

life is worth living...in freedom there is so much love, so much joy....

i pray for their liberation.....may they want to live...may they have a moment of grace to see past the self created delusion of hopelessness and despair.....this is my prayer for all those who suffer with this disease.

come to me

i want to create....i want to follow my dream fearlessly and give in to the knowing that success can be mine. i am done with limiting myself by my own beliefs and thoughts...no more. i want to live open...inviting in my destiny...allowing my life to unfold in divinity....boundless....free...expansive. i get excited thinking about it...knowing that it in fact it already exists...i can see it.

i can feel the fullness of my life that has yet to unfold...i can feel potential....i know it is my job to allow myself to grow into it...i hear the call.....i feel my desire awaken...my vision is becoming clearer and more real...more attainable....i know i must step forward in faith...not knowing...not seeing it all but sensing that it is out there...having the faith that what i feel and what i know in the deepest part of myself is real.

there is so much more than what we see....what we think...what we plan...there is a deeper meaning... divine intention....a life that's already mine if i have the courage to walk toward it....help me abandon fear and walk...soar....

i can feel it in the wind...my life is calling....rousing a fire within me that causes my spirit to dance, to march....i am coming to claim you....i have been becoming ready...all my life leading up to now....it has all been perfect...all in preparation for my unique expression....

i am an artist...full of life...full of talent....i acknowledge myself today as being good, worthy, deserving of a big and full life....deserving of success and abundance....i deserve this freedom....make me dance...make me sing the song of life...wild cries of freedom......power....boundless energy free and wild....i love it....i love it...i love it....i am alive with the energy that can change the world....the power of life when given a channel is limitless.....use me as you will.....

grace

i am feeling at peace.....free, alive and full of joy. i am in a state of grace in which i can experience the abundance of life all around me.....this is where i want to be...not reliant on any external conditions to determine my well being....

in a place of acceptance of exactly where i am on my journey......a surrender to the force of life......a willingness to allow it to move through me and unfold me in the same way it does a flower in the sunlight.....

thy will be done, not mine.....

by imposing and insisting my own will and control, i block the natural flow....a flow that if allowed will carry me into freedom, abundance, love, joy, peace....get out of the way....have faith and trust in divine guidance....as i do so, i become a part of the orchestra of the universe and take my place...speak my truth...play my part.....

this is not about me...my wants, my goals, my will......this is about surrendering to the will of god/the universe/life....with that comes peace and all the abundance one could ever wish to attain through ego driven self centered ambition.....let go....

allow your feet to lift from the ground...bound by fear....and trust that the river of life will carry you....in peace...through life....becoming your fully manifested self and bringing your unique expression of truth, light, love to this world.....for healing....for love....for the expansion of conscious life.

this is where i want to be always...this very place is the vertical portal into the depth of life...into presence....the point of power is right here....the realm of endless possibility.....i want for nothing beyond that which i already have here.....there is beauty all around....this is life

action

"all men are great in their dreams, reality narrows down the competition".....i love this quote....i wrote it down many years ago and it still has powerful meaning to me. i struggle with this idea tremendously....i am full of intention...full of inspiration, willingness, passion, desire.....but the ability to take it all into action...that's the challenge. today i had a clear realization that this issue is one major block for me in terms of achieving freedom.

i intellectually know what is needed to get where i want to be and yet it only lives in the confines of my mind...it has no real anchored place in my life..in reality. for instance, i want a peaceful, ordered home....there is a small pile of shit in my room that needs to find a home....this area of disorder has been there for a while...it only requires a commitment of maybe 1 hour and i just cannot bring myself to it...there is this incredible space, block, resistance to taking the action. why?

i have many powerful ideas and visions for my creative expression....i have been working...correction, i have begun writing the screenplay that has been living in me for a long time....i have begun but have not remained connected to it to really make significant progress....i come, give a little, and go....i do not enable or allow constant flow of expression because i pull away at the first visit of resistance...i give in too quickly to discouragement....and yet there is nothing i want more than to express my creative visions and bring them to the world. this is my deepest desire...the fire that lives at the core of who i am.....it's baffling....this struggle.

in another area, i have felt a bit unhealthy in terms of my weight and activity level....i truly want to be lighter, to feel free, sexy....i know that a commitment to exercise is the key to begin the movement toward a lighter, healthier body....but each day i avoid the action of exercise, each day i gravitate more toward the behavior that buries me deeper in captivity.....why?

a prisoner of my own tactic for protection....that is what i have identified. this resistance to action is a form of protection....i am afraid to reveal myself....afraid to bring all of me to the light.....i come and get frightened away. even the case of achieving order in my home....this foreign concept leaves me feeling detached from my past, the contentment and safety that comes along with being surrounded by disorder.....it is so familiar to me....to leave it behind would be a form of abandonment of some deep self.....a self that i want to bring into the light of life and enable to grow....i am afraid. just as i'm afraid to shed the weight that protects me from my sexual freedom....just as i am afraid to venture into the greatness of creative expression....fear of succeeding....fear of growing away from the old and into the new.....afraid to completely move out of the past....who will i be...what will i have...what will happen to my sense of self if i leave behind all that i have identified with for all my life...i'm afraid it won't be real.....emotional pain, chaos, complacency....that's what has been real for most my life....


and yet i know at the deepest part of me that this is the next right action...this is where i must go in order to grow into the world with all that i am intended to bring....i must step out in faith and leave the fear.....walk away from the past....not just intellectually but emotionally...from the past that manifests inside me as a deep rooted sense of self....i am the freedom that wants to erupt from beneath the layers....i am the life that wants to come through the creativity....break though the pile of papers waiting for my attention...the lists of to do's, the unmade bed, the unpainted wall.....the life awaiting a clearing of inner and outer space to move through....

i know that action holds the key to freedom....it is only through deliberate sometimes forceful action that any progress be made. i must do it, one small task at a time...but do it...bring myself to action....it is difficult for reasons i have yet to comprehend but it is the factor that will determine spiritual life or death for me....action.

cuore aperto

so the "crazy brain" has subsided....i am left with a clearing....a space within...motionless....out of this space cries the yearning for love....like a portal into the deepest part of my being.....a vacuum that longs to be filled with love....i can feel it call on every level....spiritual, emotional, physical.....

there is peace in loneliness.....a calm, still power.....i am raw, revealed, exposed.....sensually human...

my heart is full of love....love to share....there be the yearning....i want to give and receive....to move it, speak it, feel it.

i have, for a while now, believed wholeheartedly that the love for self was the only one needed...i have achieved that absolute love of self....i am content...i am at peace....i accept....i have surrendered....and now i find that i yearn to share myself...not out of dependency or attachment but out of love...out of life.

my heart is open.....

i find that there is a trace of embedded fear of finding love and loosing it ....it is because of this very fear that love flees....it cannot be frozen or held captive...it is alive and must be allowed to breathe, change, live....there be no need for attachment.....one can never truly posses it anyway.....that's the hard part....how to allow the experience without forming an attachment and setting ones self up for heartache.....move past the fear....live with an open heart...trust that love is an extension of divinity and is part of god's will for us......

i am here and my heart is open....

this too shall pass

I am astonished by the emotional cycles within...sometimes the train just goes through the muck and all the deep rooted feelings of loneliness, emptiness, sadness, loss & longing are stirred up.....with this the feeling of isolation and disconnect...hopelessness....so easy to identify with and attach to...perpetuate.
It is during periods like this that it is so important for me to stay aware that I am on that train going through these emotions...I am not really the emotions...they are not a true indication of who and what I am...unless of course i become so entangled with them that in fact they become an identity. My task is to stay present....hold tight to the awareness that this shall pass...stay on that train as it goes through the muck.....don't get off and wander around. God that's so difficult sometimes...I don't want to have to experience these feelings....I just want to be at peace....at times all I can do is breath through it....the inner storm that comes.....distorting my perception of the outside world...seemingly everything is in disorder...chaos...not enough...needing fixing....like all the pieces of my life just fall apart and fly around my mind at high velocity eluding my grasp...making tremendous noise....and leaving me in a state of heightened irritability and sensitivity to all around me. I feel as if I am clenching to sanity.....

intention

it's amazing to me how much of a daily, even momentary reprieve it is to keep connected to the flow of life/creativity/freedom. so many self defeating innate mechanisms that are triggered for me when i am inspired and come alive.....almost immediately as if in direct opposition, negative compulsive thinking begins....what is it in me that refuses to allow my life to unfold in freedom? resistance....the intensity of fear is astounding.....fear of what? fear of letting go...leaving the ground.....lack of trust....lack of faith....i'm a battleground. I must exercise my faith and trust constantly....but it feels like i'm shoveling a driveway in a snowstorm....the effort to keep it clear is profound...i must stay ever present and connected to the task at hand. i have come to a place in my life where i feel that keeping clear is my one true task and the rest will reveal itself in the clarity of connection to life/god/consciousness/the universe....i must allow life to flow through me....creativity to flow out of me...i am a channel...to be used as part of the divine unfolding of the universe itself..all for the greater good.

i believe that the difficulty is in detaching from self centered fear based ego. most of what i have been conditioned to see and believe growing up in this world is all ego enforcing...society....self centered, consuming, fear based, not connected....collectively leading to self destruction....when will we awaken? i am awake...i write this because i am not afraid to reveal myself anymore....i am choosing to let go of the fear of judgement...the fear of rejection...the fear of failure....who gives a fuck...i am here now..alive...and what is life without the freedom of self expression...words of truth need to come into the light of consciousness....there needs to be an awakening!

i plan to blog my journey or should i say my wrestling away from the grips of unconsciousness and ego identification....breaking free from compulsive behavior...addiction...co-dependency....depression...what purpose all of these outlets truely served for me.....what is underneath that drove me to these self dissolving escapes.....i don't have the answers but my hope is that through writing it all down maybe i can myself discover some profound aspect of the human condition. these really big issues that i mention plaque many of us and are major blocks in our lives and therefore in the world itself...these are the things to look at with hopes of understanding and therefore liberation and therefore the expansion of love/goodness/peace....this is my intention