photo

mostly i am firmly grounded where i stand
here in the present
looking ahead into the open field
not conscious of whats behind me
of all i have passed through
of all that has passed through me
photographs
still capsules of time
frozen life
remind me of chapters lost
gone forever
never to return
bittersweet
snapshots of moments on this ever moving journey
as the river of time carries us along
bringing some but not all along with us
acceptance is my only sanity
attachment tainted with the inevitability of loss
cries out from the images
a time once full of hope
lost now
out of death springs new life
but the scar of what once was will always remain
awoken by the photos

settling

i never wanted a mundane existence
to be a common man among men was out of the question
i wanted greatness, stardom
some extraordinary persona known to the world
superhuman
i can't say that has left me absolutely
but
i can say that i have come to appreciate simplicity
i find myself now wanting to settle
into a life i once feared i would fall into
give us this day our daily bread
honest work, good food, loving community
these are the things i long for most now
i want to live fully
i would not trade the riches i have found in the cracks
for any degree of worldly success
i have come to believe that all great work
stems from this place of appreciation
connectedness to the flow of life itself
it is simple
why do we desire so strongly to reach outside ourselves
for what is already available to us
it's scary to settle into this human existence
admit mortality
receive the key to infinite abundance
i will not resist the river of life
relax into it as it carries me through
and finally back out into the sea of eternity

questions

i'm in this place of uncertainty
haunted by the age old mystery of life's meaning
living with the constant companion of the truth of existence
the simplicity of being
the realization that this is all there is
love that comforts and scars
joy that comes and goes
hope that seems infinite and eludes us all the same
what is this all about
i want so much to grow along spiritual lines
to manifest some extraordinary work of creativity
i want to come upon the key that unlocks life's mystery
to find some rest and satisfaction
when will the mountain top reveal itself
will it ever
does it even exist
am i just floating upon the river of evolution
infinite
i want to be important
immortal
the life of the flower is not for the flower
there is no real reason
except to admire its beauty
maybe there is no real reason for anything
it just is what it is
all i am looking for is here
right where i stand
accepting this mortality is humbling
i need to express myself
why, i don't know
i want to document the truth of this human experience
the elephants in the room that most dance around
their superficial dances
distract from the truth
i wonder if they feel the falsity
i wonder if they twist with discomfort when the silence comes
what is the purpose of me wanting to stay close to this
it would be easier to dance

conduit

It's pretty amazing to be able to feel the growth I have undergone. My world is comfortable and welcoming. I feel so much more present and integrated in my environment. When I think of my progression, a spectacular image of the life force pushing through and opening up a flower comes to mind. I can identify a similar transformation occurring within me. To move up and outward also implies letting go and moving through barriers that once provided form. I had to be willing to shed the idea of the persona I wished to become, for I learned that by holding on to a self imposed form I was only restricting the flow of the very force that that needed to expand. I am in a place of uncertainty. I cannot say where I will be in the years to come, nor do need to. My external circumstances do not define my sense of success and accomplishment anymore. I do not have to live up to an expectation, either imposed by myself or born of the pressures of this society. I love myself just as I am and right where I am. Being connected to the fullness and richness that is already here opens the gateway to true power and happiness. By vocation, I am a Human Being. There is much to be said about devoting one's life to the art living authentically in this world. As I rely on the flow of the Universe to guide me, I am sure to accomplish and create works that serve the collective expansion of life. Whether small and unseen by the masses or grand and world renowned, it is all equally important. To share and receive love with an open heart is what brings me elation and is what I measure the success of a day against. Life is good. Let me get out of my own way and allow the message to come through!

stepping stone

its been a long ass day.....i'm curious to see what emerges as i allow myself to purge.
i am tired but feel strong...accomplished almost, to have gotten through....i am looking forward to California....my boy's first time.....i absolutely love exposing him to new places....
today it occurred to me that years ago when he was just born, i vowed to myself that i would blow the world wide open for him.....give him a perspective with no limits....
i am living out this desire....for that i am so grateful.....i have enabled him to travel...to explore parts of the world with me....together for the first time.
i have shown him freedom and abundance....in my subtle ways i have introduced him to the laws of this amazing universe.....energetically he experiences the richness this world has to offer....i am overjoyed to know that my spiritual growth and expansion affects his....that i may serve as his stepping stone for evolution.....

just for tonight

i come here to confide my deepest feelings...an action required to cleanse myself of emotion....share what i feel
it had never dawned on me until tonight how there is a degree of loneliness in coming here to write....this conversation i would like to have with a lover....receive comfort and understanding.
instead i put it all here...into the world i send my cry....as i sit alone in my home, my only contact this keyboard.
sometimes it is just right...just what i need and frankly all i desire.
tonight it seems lacking....
i've had such an emotion filled day...lots of attention and love....i took it all in....absorbed the good feelings and celebrated myself....
as the evening came to a close i began to feel lonely.... as much love as there was around me....i had no one to settle into, to talk to you and seek comfort in.....there were things i was feeling that i wanted to tell someone....i wanted to fall into another and reveal my brokenness...my disappointments about the day...my insecurities....but there was no one...
so i came here....
it's sad...i am sad....
this computer can't hold me...
it can only take what i give but cannot return what i need....
i want to be loved...i want to be heard and listened to and cared about....i want to be comforted....
i want to have this honesty, this intimacy with another human being....
i never thought i would need another...i never wanted to admit this weakness....or perceived weakness....
i love myself and i will wake in the morning and continue walking forward....
this will pass and my independence will empower me once again....
but for tonight i am feeling lonely....tonight it would be nice to cuddle.....

reflection

Life carries on...ever moving, changing, expanding.
I believe nothing is fixed or certain or really ever truly belongs to us. That scares me sometimes.
Things have come and gone...people I have loved I have lost, both to life and to death. My heart aches sometimes....but always returns to love. I have learned to let go and accept what is....this has brought me peace.
I've witnessed life at it's beginning and never before have I felt love with such depth.... I am responsible for guiding this little human....ironically he has already taught me more than I could ever him.
My experiences have given me a deep appreciation for life...I love being human.
I want to express myself to the world...my view of this crazy life...with all its beauty and love and humor and excitement and disappointment and sadness....it's all so sensational.
I chose to abandon safety for freedom of spirit.... attempting to let go of fear and surrender to the flow of life...working to stay present and in the moment.
Sometimes I don't know what's going on, how I got here or where I'm going....but I trust that my life is unfolding exactly as it should.....that I am right where I need to be.
I am here.

purpose

It's been a while since I've come here.....i've been a bit lost within the unstructured spontaneity of the summer.I feel like a gas that has been released into the atmosphere....no form to fill...just free floating into the nothing. On one hand, I am enjoying the freedom and on the other I am missing the feeling of productivity that routine and structure bring.
My emotions have been all over the place....it feels as if the continents within me are shifting...taking on a profoundly new placement....the pangs of growth.
At times like these I cling desperately to the principles of faith and trust....holding tight to the tiny branch being thrust about by a forceful storm.....
this too shall pass and reveal an open clearing into which I can continue to expand.....

I often wonder why i write the way i do....resistant to the structure of the english language....no periods to end my sentence...no real defined sentence even....open ended....each flowing into the next...my words reflect my thoughts...intertwined and relative to the next.
like a poet....using language to navigate through the mystical realm.....
form scares me....
smothers....
alters the life of the words in some way....
it could just be me....

it seems i have a problem staying grounded....pinned to the earth....left to my own devices i would just stay a formless gas.....
the effort to focus this expression into some structure means bringing it into this world....it is necessary in the process of creativity...making it real....giving it life....something tangible that can carry the message of your unique voice....
god, it's hard.....
the vocation of true self realization.....

thirst

there's something so beautiful about a day like today......gray, dim, sheltered from the light of the sun.....a fertile ground for nostalgia.
the cool breeze carrying memories of childhood....of my history.
the rain washing it all away...cleansing me of the weight of the past...refreshed i find myself here.
all things come and go....pass through my life as i pass through this world....
it's funny how i long for something to stay..anything to stay...secure me...contradict the flow of nature herself.
this human desire for attachment....so desperate...lonesome.
if not filled will fuel my hunger for life, for expansion....creativity.
endure the emptiness that allows for the expression of life...
love is nice but fleeting, leaving behind a permanent scar of it's moment....
the beauty in moving through it all...the bittersweet beauty of letting go.....
wash over me....rain, tears....cleanse me...ready me for the possibilities ahead....
an insatiable hunger....
i am alive

rest stops

i am on the leading edge.....i can see the open sky before me...vast and welcoming for my expansion.
i am grateful today for those people in my life sharing this journey....the courageous souls willing to look at themselves in truth...willing to go through it...open and vulnerable.
i have so much love for you...an understanding...resonating within me of just how difficult this way can be at times.
the truth is not always the easiest path to take but it is the only one on which to grow....
i feel blessed to be where i am today....i have found a family in the world.....kindred spirits, without whom, i would not survive.....we carry each other...... practically, emotionally and spiritually.....
moving beyond the shame of weakness, we find strength......if we are willing to admit the need for each other.....we all want to be loved...to be useful....to be accepted, cared for, respected, appreciated......we can give this to one another if we set aside our pride and ego driven expectations...
the quest for perfection leaves us alone and isolated.....none of us are perfect...it is our flaws, our scars that make us beautiful, interesting beings....let us learn from each others experiences ....we are all going through it.....
today i gave out gold stars.....a movement started by a friend, a kindred spirit if i may......i felt how powerful this gesture is.....this gift of validation...
a moment, as a friend from long ago stated, "when two lost souls collide".....strangers bound by their humanity, sharing a common experience..... life....
in a moment of recognition, they are not alone....
there is comfort all around if we allow ourselves to open to it.....

necessary discomfort

going through it once again.....the internal fire that yearns to be fed.....please put me out with whatever you can find, it screams....a drink, a drug, food, love, fantasy, sex, anything....just fill me up so i don't have to feel this opening.....tingling with desperate longing....for what?, is the question.....nothing seems to satisfy.....

the endless search for the answer to this question, what is this hole?.....surfaces in cycles, bringing intensity....i am restless....uncomfortable...

it is now that i feel closest to my core....closest to the deep thick flow of my emotional river....

i want to know what this feeling is....i want to know the source....is it my loneliness, my longing for connection? if so, where do i find it...in another? i wonder if that brings what it promises.....

do i find it in myself...look for the solution to loneliness in solitude?.....i fear i'd weave myself into a cocoon of isolation, further away from potential contact...down the spiral staircase of despair.....

do i reach to the external bodily pleasures that provide momentary relief?.....fantasy that comforts, sex that releases, hope for love that fails to deliver.......the moment of pleasure only serves to deepen the hole....giving but a taste of what i cannot attain.....making my appetite insatiable....

i have been told to pray.....to god, to the universe, to life.....to the source of energy that governs this world......a source that i can plug into when i choose....with prayer and meditation i can find a sense of connectedness......so why do i resist this?

there is an aspect of the suffering that i am drawn to....that i am reluctant to surrender.....this sense of closeness to my emotional core is comforting....i feel close to my past and all i have come through.....

i want to cry....to bleed out all the toxic emotion.....stay in this space until it erupts.....keep the channel clear of any block (drink, drug, food, sex, love, fantasy......).....sweat it out and allow it to move through......

i have been here many times before.....each passing a bit less gripping because of the experience before......i know it will pass....leaving behind another spurt of growth

no looking back

stuck somewhere in the middle of my old life and the one i am growing into......sometimes it's difficult to see the one in front of me and all i feel is a sense of loss and displacement.....
when i visit my old neighborhood and my old friends, it feels so familiar and comfortable....makes me wonder if i want to be where i am....if my pulling away from that life was really worth it.....
i can see them, most in the same place as when i left, going through the same cycles, same bars, same drama.....what seems appealing is that they have each other....the grand illusion of security...
there is a part of me that wants to abandon all i have built and run back into the arms of the past, into the security of the unconscious group.....find "love", family and tradition in the ways i've always known it....a disconnected, addicted, avoided way of living that, crazy as it may sound, seems to promise some sort of comfort.......

it's amazing how delusional i can become at the prospect of fulfilling my loneliness.....

i have enough sense to know that i would fall into the same dark hole i climbed out of......that the illusion of security that life presents is just that.....an illusion.

today i am aware of who i am and i stand in a clearing where possibility is endless.....i wouldn't trade that for the world....

keep walking.........

on this road i have an opportunity for true fulfillment........

i am grateful to be where i am.....

shedding

sometimes i miss what is left behind me.....some losses bigger and more weighing on my heart than others....i understand why it is more appealing to live in the past - you don't have to let go...you can keep all your ghosts with you.....avoid going through the pain of acknowledging what is no longer there....insidious it may be but effective none-the-less.

what courage it takes to live in the now....willing to look at what is....willing to allow the sometimes painful changes to occur....sometimes i am inclined to turn away...to look to the next distraction to take my attention....sometimes i don't want to see

an unwillingness to look is an unwillingness to change....

sure it's comforting to remain connected to all that once secured you, but the insulation of that delusion is only an illusion....bound to fall from your sight.....truth shall always be revealed

at times i feel like retreating to what is familiar.....reclaiming what has been lost.....

but i know today that i must endure this process.... this cleansing.....this mourning

keep walking forward.......

some things still live in the crevices of my heart and surface periodically to remind me of a time lost.....

i can honor these places today and grieve them accordingly........

veritas

I remember back to the start of my conscious spiritual journey….there was a constant restlessness within me…a longing for something that I felt had strayed far beyond my reach…..i was living in the confines of an inauthentic life…going through the motions of daily living….hoping that the day ahead would not play out as the one before had…..always shutting my eyes at it’s close disappointed…..round and round I went….lost…seeking escape …..turning away from reality…the reality of my inner life….what I felt…..what I needed….who I am….i began not to even recognize what that was anymore….my spirit was dying……

I was inspired to flee….to uproot…start anew…shake off the accumulated hardened shell of a human being I had become…..a body devoid of spirit marching to an unconscious tune into the abyss…..i sometimes wonder how I awoke…..graced with awareness that would reveal in glimpses just where I was headed if I continued on this path….

i had no idea where I was going but I walked anyway….fueled by the longing for a clearing, I walked into the dark forest…the unknown….with faith as my only companion I began to trust the signals the universe would give…the subtle indications that I was walking in the right direction….with each step I took another layer fell…more revealed itself from the inside…an integration of body and spirit…..a disintegration of the mask…..my faith grew…my absolute trusting in the unseen forces that govern our lives….the energetic web of the universe and my eternal connection to it…..

I came to life…..my heart, once heavy with sorrow, began to open…breath moved through my body with vigor…..i was alive…I wrestled away from the bondage of self….from the identification I had come to embrace…..i was free…

and as I stand where I am and look back, I can see how my desire for truth was the fire that moved me to action……..

lemonade

it's amazing to see how certain behaviors kick in in response to the fear triggered by change.....creative blocks to disable the flow of life energy.....
sustaining universal connection takes vigilance.....
when i feel i've got it, when i'm in a groove of constant flow, it becomes easy to forget that there is a fine line between riding the abundant wave of the universe and my own egoic grandiousity.....without vigilance and practice i find that i have somehow ended up leading with ego.....it is times like this that i must remember the basic principles that have led me thus far.....humility....surrender....acceptance...
letting go of my own will for myself and allowing life to work through me on it's terms.....
this can be a difficult concept to accept.....especially when life's terms are not the most convienient for what i want.....this is when my faith is tested most.....
i trust that as these shifts occur and shake me down to simplicity, i have the opportunity to listen for divine guidance....it is during transitions like this that i can gain clarity and direction....
i trust what happens in my life is necessary for my creative and spiritual growth....i accept it even if i don't necessarily like it......

fiore

laughter pours from the depth of my being....the wild rejoicing of freedom.....i feel blown open....life seeps through my veins.....i have traveled to where i am now....willing to look at myself honestly and walk in the direction of absolute self recovery......i have found freedom.
i am overwhelmed by my feelings of joy around taking my boy to italy.....one of many steps of expansion.....progression....not exclusively material and physical but spiritual as well....this trip signifies my progress....my capabilities....the open field of possibility that has been made available to me because i desired it so intensely....i desired to live, really live.
there is no greater purpose, as i see it, in life than to clear the channel and allow life to flow through you....manifesting dreams...attracting abundance.....filling you with the love and joy that are unconditionally available to you....this is success...true richness.

open me like a flower...in the divine light of the universe...in all glory, beauty and magic....

mi casa

i'm standing here in my kitchen over a sink full of dishes......my son is in the bath enjoying his imaginary world of aquatic adventures....something just dawned on me.....i love being home!
i can't remember i time since about the age of 4 that i loved being home....i feel like for most of my life i have been so unsettled and uncomfortable that i could not sit long enough in my own body to enjoy the comforts of a home....
i ran from the insanity....seeking refuge from the chaos of my family in romance and refuge from the chaos of romance in myself .... i have finally settled.....
it feels wonderful to be where i am right now...i feel safe.....at ease...at peace...
what a tremendous gift i have given myself and extended to my son....i am so grateful
i can think of no greater pleasure for me these days than to relish in the comfort of our home.....warm brownies....maybe a movie or a book.... a conversation or a boisterous game for us to play.....maybe alone time...... some space for ourselves....
whatever the pleasure, we are safe, secure, loved, at peace and free to be who we are......i am finally home.....

wake up

my god, so consumed by distraction and material gain.....your clothes don't make your character baby....it seems as though you've lost sight of what's important in life....or have you ever really known?
the lack of emotional awareness for the children.....the chaos....the foul mouthed disregard for innocence.....what example do you lead with?
the inability to remain at peace within yourself...loosing your shit at the drop of a dime.....spilling over your toxic dissatisfaction with your own life unto the kids.....man get your shit together...it's not there fault you don't know who you are....that you chase some delusion you think might bring you fulfillment only to be left empty and wanting once again....
what kind of life are you building...of what use to mankind are you?
maybe i'm the oddball to feel that my life should be productive...that i should be making a contribution to this world.....
as i witness, most of those around me are content with going through their self centered days....being fed what to wear....what to say...who to be.....then maybe just maybe you'll be in the game....the game that leads to? what do you win if you give your life to play? what is at stake?....fundamental questions if you ask me....
it's difficult to be around you.....you make my world spin out of control....speed increases as anxiety swirls round.....your lack of grounding and your inner turmoil can be felt...it's disturbing....
why do you fall victim to the deceptions of this world....why can't you see that you are walking further and further into entanglement......further and further away from yourself...you are giving your life away for illusions that will never make you feel whole or worthy or confident or lovable or sane or beautiful or competent or fulfilled.....
i'm so pissed off that people can be hypnotized by this shit.....
there are some truths that one cannot escape from.....that live under all the layers of shit one might accumulate in their attempts to avoid such an encounter.....the truth that rises when the stillness of death arrives.....the profound truth of one's life.....
live while you're alive.....it's an inside job.....be still and face yourself....

father

i can see you so clearly as you are.....where you're headed...en caged in your cocoon of delusion....illusion you cling to....desperate for some sense of self worth....seeking all security outside of yourself.....the bottle, the pack, the shoes, the jacket, the bike, the title, the glory, the martyrdom, the reputation, the persona......who are you really? ....what do you run from?.....

don't you think at some point the emptiness will begin to erode you from the inside?..... you'll find the years have passed through your hands like sand......that you have remained frozen in that one block of time.....repeating the day......living dead.....

those that love you watch helplessly.....yearning to reach you on your island of despair and self seeking fear.....their hearts break....mourning the loss of you..... all the while you are before their very eyes.....

your son's heart aches for your contact...and he waits on the outskirts of your self involved life watching the days go by.....never truly getting what he longs for most.....

wake the fuck up.....these days will never return....they are but once in this life's experience.....step away from your self interest and see that you are needed in the life of another.....fundamental, instrumental.....you have the ability to make or mend the hole....you have the power to give this gift of love......make your choice

i don't want to watch you get carried away by this current.....i pray he doesn't have to........

push thru

i have come up against an imbedded fear.....i am afraid that i will be alone/outcast/disliked if i continue to move forward in self realization and allow my greatness to emerge fully.....

there are people who are not firmly grounded in themselves and so react with jealousy to other's progress.....i will not allow their negativity to hinder my spiritual growth and freedom....

i have the right to be full.....i have a right to my talents.....to my beauty....to my ambition.....i have the right to own my power and allow my life to unfold in abundance.....

i will not let other's energy impede on my expansion.......it saddens me that some harbor negative feelings toward me for my achievements and capabilities.....

this could all, very well be, a projection of the fears i have within me.....maybe it is just my imagination....maybe i have heard my mother speak with disgust of "those that have" too many times.....maybe it is her voice i hear now in the assumed judgments of others.....maybe this is all living inside of me.....

in any case the time has come for me to face these fears and to continue to progress through them despite the paralysis they inspire......my life has not been given so that i can win the praise and admiration of those around me....it is mine to cultivate to the fullest potential....manifest my creative talents.....embrace freedom........

those who envy freedom are those who are too afraid to seek it.....i want to be surrounded by the seekers....

delusion

i often think that it has gone somewhere never to resurface......then, it comes, flooding my being with sensation, memories of my lost love......like a window into the past where we were left behind.....in some place frozen in time it still lives....our love.

this brings such a sense of loss...i am here today without you and i am fine...i am doing well actually and life is unfolding wonderfully.....most of the time this past doesn't occupy a moment in my thinking.......but today, for some reason i am feeling the loss....

i know that my reluctance to move on romantically is rooted in the unwillingness to accept that we will never return to that place....how childish of me....it makes me doubt my evident spiritual progress.....she dies hard....that part of me that clings to the memory of you....it's as if the realm of logic and practicality do not exist in her thinking.....love lives in  a different kind of  world.....

the loss of what is not possible....why is that so painful? there must be a deep part of us that attach in love.....so deep that we are unable to see the visible and accept the inevitable....what is it all really about?......it baffles me....

i have surrendered to allowing the emotions pass through me.....no judgement....not even a second thought.....resisting the temptation to hold on to the fleeting memories and wallow in the loss.......it will pass.....like all else in life